As much as I like being positive, my mind soaks up everything like a sponge. Most of the things that are happening in the world right are the dark things. I’ve learned much more this year about what happened to the people I’m close to and it saddens me to know how much they suffered when they didn’t need to. The News these days aren’t particulary positive. By the time I graduate from University, there might not be any jobs left here. We are only as free as the money we have in this world and we watch those who have more than enough money squander it. The knowledge that could save millions of lives around the world is kept secret by very few. Watching the news can depress me. There is a kind of freedom (and sadness) in just giving up all hope for yourself. As a kid, I had expected life to be much more than this. I truly believed that if I did everything I was asked to do, I could be rewarded with freedom later in life. A lot of us never really had carefree, happy lives growing up. When do we get a piece of the pie? Hope sometimes feels like a piece of cheese cruelly dangled in front of a mouse.
When I see all of these rules and regulations between governments and countries, I sometimes wonder if I should just let go of it all. Let go of all of the dreams I have, all the aspirations, relationships, and ambitions. I don’t know if I’m just living in a dreamworld when I think of actually achieving my goals. Maybe I’m just rejecting the reality in front of me. It is like going through hell again when I realized that I couldn’t afford to go to an art school. No matter how much I rejected reality, no matter what I did or how much I tried or how much I worked, I couldn’t afford to go to art school. I wonder if I’m just going through the same damn thing again. Sometimes I wonder if I should just settle with just being here for the rest of my life. But if it all comes to that, I’d sooner put a bullet through my head than settle for life unlived, a dead life of doing things that I don’t believe in, living a life that is dictated by money or the system. I’m not joking when I say it. They tell you in schools in America that you can achieve anything, that it is the land of opportunity. America, one of the richest countries in the world, yet more than half of the population cannot afford to go to school without falling to the trap of accumulating massive amounts of debt in the end.
I often say that I’m not alone in how I feel, but I feel alone. There are days when I feel unsettled by it and days when I feel at peace with it. The fact is, there is no savior. No one to hold your hand and pick you up when you can’t see the end of the tunnel. A vast majority of us feel the same thing, yet we all are really alone and divided in struggling for our lives.
There are times when I have a masochistic death wish of self destruction to destroy myself so I can be someone else. Or a desire to curl up somewhere and wish the world to pass me by until I fall asleep and never wake up. The dreamworld seems so much better. I can’t help but think that if I want to change my life, I’d really have to do something drastic. It’s probably something that I can’t even imagine myself doing, something that I am scared of doing, but if that’s what it takes, than that’s probably what I’m going to have to do.