Random Ramblings: That feeling that is vaguely remembered
I have a low boredom threshold and I get quite bored being by myself often. Bored, but at least I’m doing something productive. I’ve been trying to learn a language by letting my mind absorb about 30 words, more or less, everyday. I’ve been trying to draw comics which take quite a bit of time. I’ve been trying to figure out good vlog topics, thinking up good stories, filling out job application even though the job market isn’t looking too good right now, working out, learning something new, research rocketry for this badass idea that’s been floating in my head, etc… I try not to be bored. If I were religious, I’d as God if he could end my suffering of eternal boredom and have someone with a gun break through my window and blow my brains out. Haha. Morbid thoughts again. Whenever I feel like things are dull and hopeless, I tell myself that this is the most exciting time to be alive right now and that there is no reason to be bored. Change is all around, history is happening, and there are many things I can accomplish by myself if I put my mind to it.
Although I like being alone, having my privacy, no one bothering me, space to think, there is a price for it. I just get bored out of my mind sometimes. So lately, I’ve been hanging out with my friend, who is also bored out her mind as well. Single mother, taking care of her child, home alone. We enjoy each other’s company because we are never imposing on each other. We like chillin’. I sometimes go on walks with her during the night. Tonight, the sky was clear. The stars were out and they were very easy to see. I was even able to see a couple of comets go by and we decided that each of us make a wish. I realized when I was finally confronted with one wish, I couldn’t decide what I wanted. There were so many things that I wanted out of life. It was hard for me to come up with what I wanted. Then it suddenly dawned on me that I craved for happiness, fulfillment, and freedom. That simple, but why was that so hard for me to express? It shouldn’t be hard. I started to remember the way I used to feel when I was small. It was the kind of feeling that made me feel and believe that everything was complete in life, the kind of feeling that would make me fall into a restful sleep happy and content despite knowing that I have to deal with what tomorrow brings. It’s been years since I have felt that way and I miss it. I hardly remember how it was like, but it was one of the best feelings in the world.
My insomnia has been getting a little bit worse. I haven’t been sleeping very well and I’ve been having vivid dreams that can sometimes be upsetting. My subconscious has a way of bringing up things that I would rather set aside somewhere in the darkest, most forlorn corners in my mind…or better yet…completely erase them all. It would be helpful to just completely forget certain events and certain people out of my mind for they serve as a distraction most of the time. As we grow older, everything goes faster and faster. My mind has been bombarded with responsibilities, worries that aren’t even mine to begin with, and other things. Things just seem to cave in, you then realize limitations, you see the things that are wrong with the world, you have so many things you have to do to accomplish your goals, yet you have to set aside those goals at times just to survive because there is only so many hours in the day. Your mind takes it all in and then suddenly, you are not yourself anymore. You forget what it feels to be whole and to be happy and those things became hard to define. It’s almost like forgetting what it feels like to be human. I don’t want to be another vortex of negativity or another normal person following the same path as everyone else.
I had often thought that going to another place and starting anew would end this feeling of emptiness, but perhaps I’m wrong. Perhaps I’m just looking to the superficiality of external world for fulfillment. Happiness has to be found within, right? I wanted to start feeling that sense of completion and fulfillment again so I decided to treat myself to a nice dinner. I cooked mushroom soup, made myself some delicious tea, and had some mango. Again, I kind of wonder if this is just me trying to look to the external world. I don’t remember what made me feel, but at least it felt a little cozy as I enjoyed sipping the hot tea.